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Apparently All I Want For Christmas Is Mariah Carey

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‘Tis the season of seasonal Starbucks cups and Salvation Army Santa’s punctuating the bustle of holiday shopping with their incessant din. As we enter November, we note that the flood of pumpkin flavored beverages has subsided, there’s a chill in the air, and it’s marginally more socially acceptable to wear Uggs in public.

The one other thing that is more predetermined than this, a sale on Andes mints, or a stressful family dinner this time of year is a noted uptick in the popularity of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas” (which you can download for free in the link at the bottom). Released in 1994, it feels like listeners tune in perpetually to uphold this song’s weird popularity. Like my election anxiety, it starts to climb the charts about now.

This winter, instead of counting down the twelve days until Christmas, here’s a dozen things I want:

1. The opportunity to go caroling with Questlove

I just want to sing “Purple Rain” with you. Please.

2. A public apology from Carey re: “All I Want for Christmas Is You”


It’s time we said, “bye, bye” to that tune…

3. More Drake


Or one of those Christmas sweater’s with Drake dancing across the front.

4. Literally any other Christmas song on the radio

Even that really awful one about shoes…

5. Twitter to pull Smash Mouth’s privileges

Or to give them the key to the city. I’m not sure.

6. Carey announcing her retirement from Christmas


It wasn’t James Packer, but Christmas she broke up with.

7. Dave Grohl for President


“There goes my hero. He’s ordinary…”

8. Court-mandated vocal rest for Carey


Let’s have a silent night.

9. An advanced screening of the entire first season of ‘Martha & Snoop’s Potluck Dinner Party’ complete with Q&A session with the cast at the end


They don’t even have to make anything. We can just split a family-sized bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

10. For Carey and DJ Khaled to get stranded on a jet ski somewhere

Do it for the snaps.

11. A Julien Baker/Sufjan Stevens Christmas album


Can you imagine their cover of “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)”?

12. For Carey to release a different holiday song


So we can all move on with our lives.

If you feel so inclined, hop on the Trebel app to get a free music download of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas”

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